I titled this entry Home? Of course this will always be home here in the States, but it's a new thing for me to feel that "home" connection to another place besides Colorado and Nebraska. I will forever call Nebraska "home" because that is where I was born, grew up and have so many memories. But then after moving away for college, getting married, and having kids, Troy and I obviously now call Colorado "home" as well, just as we did St. Louis and Houston before. And now, I feel like I have added a third "home" in Uganda. We haven't spent nearly as much time there, but the people we met and worked with feel like family and I think that part of a definition of home for me is somewhere that you feel a piece of you will always be and that you hope to return to.
So, just like people had tons of questions before we left, I know that people will have tons of questions for us now that we're back. Processing through them is a bit challenging. I don't think there's a way to avoid feeling like a broken record when you get asked the same questions by a lot of different people, but that doesn't mean we don't appreciate the questions. It's just hard to know where to start and to try to convey our actual experience in concise answers. How was Africa? is a really big question with no easy answer. But, in conversation with a dear friend in our first week back we talked about it and I think she had the best answer - Life changing. Obviously there are a lot of details behind that answer, but I realize not everyone has hours upon hours for those details.
But, herein lies my struggle at the moment.... It was absolutely a completely life changing experience, but in these past two weeks, it somehow also feels like we never really left. As we carried our suitcases (all 12 of them) back into our friends' house when we arrived back last week, it felt like deja vu. It literally felt like we had just done the same thing a week before when we moved out of our house and stayed with them our last week before leaving for Uganda. It has felt like I'm a time warp these last two weeks almost. Did those last 10 months really happen? Did we really leave our life in Colorado and move our family to Africa? Of course we did, but then why does it feel like we never left in some ways?
I don't know the answer to this yet, but tonight it popped into my head that there is a really great aspect to consider about this time warp that I feel like I'm in. For me, it truly proved how quickly time passes and that can be such an incredible gift for people. If you want to make a change in your life and it seems too big and too forever, it's really not. If you decide to do something and it doesn't work out - it will be over before you know it and you'll be on to your next thing. On the other hand, how do you nurture an experience to stand the test of time when it's so amazing, yet your location and environment in life do change and time just keeps passing by so quickly? I don't know the answer to that one yet, and that's a big one for me.
I guess that is what our family will be working on as we "continue on" with life here in the States. Troy coined that phrase a few months ago as he didn't like to use the term "going back" as he didn't desire to "go back" to his old life before Uganda. We really weren't sure what it would be like when we came back (I can't seem to avoid using this phrase - Troy is much better at it than me.) And those are our most common questions people are asking us at the moment, "What's it like to be back? How is it going adjusting back to life here in America?" To be honest, I don't really know - very mixed answers. The first day was very strange for me. As much as I was sad to be leaving the amazing people and experience we had, I was also really looking forward to returning to seeing family and friends and just having some of the comforts of home again. So, when I woke up that first morning after we got back and had some feelings of sadness and just inability to focus and process thoughts, that was surprising for me. I was "home" and was expecting to be just overflowing with joy and excitement, but it was kind of muddled. I was in tears at least twice that day - once because I was just confused by my emotions and then the second time as I was talking with our friends about some of our experiences. So, some of that I attribute to emotional jet lag (and it did take a full week for Troy and I to return to normal sleep patterns), but obviously it was reminding me that this transition wasn't always going to be as I expected.
Two weeks later I am having the exact opposite emotion. It has been almost too easy transitioning back. Like I said a bit earlier, it's almost like we never left and that's kind of scary for me. My life was changed, why does it not feel like it now that I am back?
I didn't have the panic like attacks that some people say can happen when you return just from the simple things like going to a regular grocery store with thousands of choices when we were used to buying most of our food from a small veggie or fruit stand. I am actually enjoying experiencing the luxury of some choice and variety again. Now, I say that, but what has stood out is just the amount of excess that exists in our culture. When I say this, I don't want to sound cynical.
That was what I was praying a lot about before I left - that I not return as this very cynical person that is judging everything wrong with our culture. I decided in my mind that they are just too incredibly different worlds to try to compare and judge them. Sometimes that is easy to remember, sometimes it is more difficult. I feel like it's very easy to get sucked into indulging in all the extras we have here, and I just have to keep asking myself, did I ever really need that in the last 10 months when I was gone? Most often not.
So, I think one challenge ahead at least for me personally is to try to find that balance between not feeling guilty about having some luxuries that to be honest, just make life a bit easier or more enjoyable and yet to do with a lot less. I really don't need all those things and what else could my time and resources be put towards? So, as I enjoy each "new" meal like Mexican or steak since we've returned home, to remember that many people in the world do not have these choices and that I am so blessed to be able to have these provisions in my life - to be grateful in my abundance and want to share that abundance someway, somehow with others in life.
I guess in all my rambling, all I've really discovered so far in transitioning is that how my transition goes is totally up to me. I can so very easily get pulled back into my life before we left, but I need to always ask myself if that's what I want and if I feel it happening to be honest about it and intentional about making changes. Some parts of my "old" life are keepers - like those amazing constants of my family, incredible friends, love of being in relationship with and serving others, cooking, etc. But, what "new" parts of me do I want to try to protect - (as I type that, it seems like that kind of makes a statement about our culture - do I really feel like I need to "defend" myself from it? interesting?)
Some of these "new" parts are being in a real relationship with God and making time for that daily. I grew up in the church and was also very involved with our home church before we left and had started to seek that personal relationship with God in the couple of years leading up to our time in Uganda, but I think now I really "get" it. When we decided to go to Africa it was because I/we felt a greater calling that I couldn't really explain, but since the moment we decided to listen to that call, God has done nothing less than provide for us and protect us every step along the way. Just because we listened to him this one time doesn't mean we're "off the hook." His challenge to us is daily as is his love and grace for us, even when we can't understand or remember it. I saw people live their lives with this kind of faith on a daily basis in Uganda and it is inspiring. When their faith is one of the few possessions they have in their life, they treasure it, nurture it and rely on it daily.
Another "new" part is taking life a bit slower. The pace in Africa is much different. It could be frustrating at times, but I also admire how their priorities in life are much simpler. I always prided myself on being an amazing multi-tasker, and to some extent that is just who I am, but I want to try and at least ask myself what my priorities in life are and each day try to really focus on those instead of ten different things that probably don't really matter at the end of the day.
I also learned the value of just being more vulnerable and intentional about opening yourself up to people who you may not have a clue on how they can impact your lives. A big unexpected benefit from this year is all the incredible people we had the privilege to work with, both Ugandans and volunteers from the States. It feels like we extended our community tenfold. These relationships can't happen unless you are open to receiving and investing in them. Each day brings new opportunities for this.
I also want to foster the sense of dreaming that I got to experience this year. From seeing Avery's dream of owning a goat some day, to seeing CLD program leaders dream of a better future and then seeing it in action, it is really cool! I am a planner, but I'm hoping to learn how to become a better dreamer as well and to have the confidence in these dreams becoming a reality, whether it be in a week from now or 10 years from now. I think that plans are ours as humans and God has a big hand in dreams.
On that note, I need to be wrapping up this stream of consciousness processing, but another question we obviously get a lot is, what is next? Well, these first two weeks have been somewhat surreal, but yet so great. We have been (and I know will continue to be) welcomed back with so much love by both friends and family and being back "home" on the farm has been a great thing. It's been a way to kind of live that slower paced life and avoid the busyness of returning to Denver and just jumping right back into figuring out our new life. But, we will be facing reality here in about a week as we return to move back into our house on July 1st. We don't have it all figured out, not even close, but we have a rough plan.
Troy is going to try and venture into the world of working for himself. To begin, he is going to work for a friend who already has his own established IT business and he is willing to try it out for a bit with Troy to see if their skill sets could complement each other and make it much easier for Troy to get his feet wet without having to set up the infrastructure all on his own. Our time away has really had an amazing impact on Troy and he just doesn't feel like he can be content going back into the corporate world as he knew it. His passion for IT strategy and leadership has not changed, he just now sees a different way he'd like to use it. He hopes to being doing consulting for non-profits and in time hoping to be able at some point be able to just "work" four days a week and spend one day a week just volunteering his skills to help non-profits.
As for me, some of you know I have had a crazy dream for a really long time of owning a small restaurant. I know, it's one of the hardest industries, etc. But, it's a dream. So, feel like that is where God is calling me next. I have lots of thoughts in my dream notebook and they may never end up a reality, but I'm at least going to take some baby steps. Thanks to the great advice of my little sis, I'm going to just first try to get a job in a restaurant as I really have no clue about how anything works in the business. I just love food, cooking and bringing people together in community over food. There were things I had been doing over the past couple of years that were pointing in this direction, and when we were in Uganda and I felt like I couldn't just not do it - it really hit me that this is one of my true loves and many of my favorite memories of our time there was cooking in community with others. My vision is just as much about bringing people together as it is about food. But, this dream takes lots of money and some clue about what it takes to run a restaurant, so I'm starting from the ground up. I'm going to apply at some local breakfast/lunch places as that is the type of place I would like to have. Should be a humbling, learning experience. As to the start up capital, that is going to take a lot of prayer. Just going to try and start earning a little to be able to help support our family first and see where it goes from there. Maybe I'll love it, maybe I'll hate it, but I'll be more wise at the end.
After finishing two more units of Math study this summer with Dad, having more fund adventures this summer and turning 9 at the end of July, Henry will be settling back into 4th grade at Sandburg. He is saving his money for buying a mandolin someday as he was trying to learn how to play it these past few months.
Avery has recently decided to change her "style" and has been turning in her typical t-shirt and sweat shorts daily outfit for a more girly look, so Grandma has had fun doing some shopping for her. She picked out a book on What to Know for Middle School and is reading her way through that, so guess she'll be ready come mid August. We stopped by and took a brief tour last week on our own, but will get the rest of the details with orientation events in before school starts. Her blood sugar was great while we were in Uganda and my goal is to help empower her this summer that it's not a bad thing to be "different" so she can be prepare for the new challenges it may bring in middle school. I am hoping she and Henry will both keep up their singing of Ugandan songs and their love of music.
Finally, we got so used to community living these past 10 months, we decided our house would be too quiet with just us, so we're really excited to have a great friend Hannah moving into our basement at the same time we move back in the first week of July. She just graduated from Baylor and was a spring intern with CLD this past January through April and we fell in love with her. She decided to come job hunting in Colorado and we're so happy to be able to make her feel at home for as long as she needs it.
Oh, and we are also being asked if we will go back. We don't know the answer to this right now, but we do know that we can't imagine NOT going back. So, what that looks like and when is a big open question. Obviously it becomes challenging with having to earn income and keep Avery and Henry in a regular school routine, so most likely it would not be for an extended time like this past year. So, we will be praying about what this may look like for our family and we've only just tossed around ideas like, what would it look like if we could go for one month every year and when would that be, etc. Many more questions than answers. But, would be hard not to ever return to one of your "homes."
So, this is us for right now. Stay tuned. This was theraputic for me. Not sure what it was for you, but thanks for reading. Not sure if we'll keep the blog going or for how long, but we'll let you know if we keep posting.
Oh, and I absolutely cannot end without thanking a bunch of people. First, CLD, you are amazing! There are too many names to name, but to each and every one of you, you made this incredible experience possible for us as a family and we love you so much for that. You are changing so many peoples lives and hearts both in Africa and here in the States. We feel so blessed to be part of the family and hope to continue to always be (yet another thing to figure out what that looks like, but an exciting challenge!). Next, for the countless people, both family and friends that supported us and also made this journey possible with your financial support, prayers and just love. Our deepest gratitude is not sufficient. And finally, to our new family in Uganda. You captured our hearts and changed our lives. Thank you for loving us.
~Heather
